Go ahead, Grow (08.28.08)

There are so many things I have in me, lately. My heart feels as if its bursting and bubbling over with joy and peace. The freedom I’ve found. The Love I experience. The desire. Hope.
It’s a wonderful feeling – especially after so long – to feel so full.

I feel like me again.
Just me & Jesus.

I don’t know if I’ve ever been happier. Circumstantially, it’s quite an odd time to feel this way. That’s how I know it’s from Jesus. There’s just been so much growth.

My writing is so broken and scattered; jumbled up. But I’m quite content to let the letters mix as they may.

I’m starting to figure out the balance of on and off line writing. My absence was evidence of that chaos.

There are things brewing inside of me; GROWING inside.

First things first, I’ve discovered the the reality and weight of our name; our heritage, our identity. As Jason Mraz says, “our name is our virtue”. I was thinking about how Jacob wrestled with God, and how God then named him “Israel” because he had “wrestled with God and prevailed”. This is our name. This is our virtue. God wrestlers. Contenders. Persevering people of truth and love.

This story, this revelation of our identity as a church, opened my eyes to a whole new world of interacting with our God. Maybe God really did want me to wrestle with Him. When did I start thinking that God couldn’t handle my honesty? My anger, my disappointment, and my fear. I learned that I could let God have it, and even more, He could take it. My honesty, my heart break, really opened me up to a whole other realm of a sweet, vulnerable, relationship with Jesus. It was that honesty that started the healing process in my broken heart. Only when I brought both my hopes and my fear, everything, and put them, honestly, openly, before Jesus, did I start to see the walls crumble.

This openness spared me from the destructive path of bitterness and unrighteous anger. It spared me from a hardened, pessimistic heart…

(A conclusive phone call interrupted my writing. I saved it as a draft and forgot about it until now. It seems to be that I worked out the rest inside my little heart.)


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