I’m feeling so full these days. Still. Jesus is so good to me.
When I did my high school classes online back in the day, I would wake up and spend the quiet morning hours after everyone had gone off to work and school writing and drinking coffee. Those were my favorite days, being a night owl to be productive, and having the first part of the day to relax and enjoy.
These days I’m up between three and four in the morning. The world is quiet and still. These hours, most don’t care to see or experience. It’s naturally, pretty exhausting to arrange my schedule to be up at that hour, but the early morning experience at Starbucks makes it worth, along with the promise that hard work pays off.
Needless to say, these mornings that I have off to drink coffee, write, and relax for the first part of the day are such a treat. I’m so glad that the Lord has put it in my nature to enjoy the little things, to experience life in a beautiful way.
I spent the weekend with friends I love for a Halloween that we’ve waited a while for. I’m so thankful for the friends I’ve made here, and how easy God provided a life for me in this new season. I’ve seen first hand how He is my protector and provider. Rescuing me from dangerous situations, healing the wounds from others, and restoring me to who He created and intended me to be.
He is so good to me.
Just randomly, I updated my information on Facebook. Writing the “About Me” got me thinking. The wheels spinning. I’ve been doing a lot of reflection in this new season. Just thoughts about my identity, who God made me to be, who He made me for, my purpose and who do I say that I am. What do I identify with?
My Dad likes to say that I’m in my “formative years”. He’s wise, and right. It’s in these years that we’re building our personalities and character. The decisions we make in these days will have outcomes that most likely will be seen throughout the rest of our lives. It’s pretty weighty, but pretty exciting in the same light. It was for this reason that I shaved my head back in May. I needed to make sure that my security and confidence wasn’t externally based, but internally rooted. That crazy act has proved to be one of the best decisions I’ve made. I’ve seen and felt the change that came from the challenge. It’s for this same reason – challenging myself in my formative years to build character – that I’ve been trying to analyze and conclude my personality.
Facebook didn’t have enough room for me to write all that I’m about to. Nor was it the place where I wanted to reveal what I’ve learned about myself to the rest of the internet world. But I did want to get this down. Life is ever changing. Circumstances change. We change. And of course, our God stays the same, which is a refreshing truth in the light of uncertainty, but He is still a God of order. And these things in life change in order; with purpose and vision.
I understand that who I was when I was seventeen is different version of who I am now. I understand that who I was six months ago is a different version than I am now. I say version as opposed to “completely different” because I believe that there are certain characteristics that God instills in us that remain the same, just revealed in different lights, just brought out in different circumstances. I feel as if it’s more of a discovery as opposed to an identity change.
My hope is that a while from now I can re-read what I wrote when I was almost twenty and see the faithfulness and hand of God; how He’s changed me and how I’ve grown.
I have a best friend named Amy. We’ve been friends since I moved to Marquette in 6th grade. Most of our high school years were spent with us doing little, seemingly unimportant things that excited us about life and that inspired us to enjoy the little things. Simple things. We grew up creating “moments”. Coffee was always a big part of that, which is probably why I’m so in love with the culture at Starbucks and how it brings people together; the moments it’s involved in. I used to spend Sunday nights cleaning up my room, lighting candles, listening to music, creating and enjoying a moment. Years later I still do things like this. My family was all out of town a couple of weeks ago, so I turned off all of the lights, lit candles, drank coffee, and listened to 30’s big-band swing & jazz until late at night. It’s those little moments that bring me joy, that bring color to life, and inspire me.
Looking back at this though, I’ve discovered that as much as I hate the cheesy, mushy gushy stuff of romance, in other areas of life I look at it from a very idealistic and romantic point of view. I’ve learned that it’s in my nature (and apparently in yours, Amy) to make life a beautiful experience. It’s this sensibility that attracts me to dance, music, art, and any other cultured activity. I was excited to finally be able to put a finger on why I’ve always gone about life in this way, and why I feel dry and deprived when I don’t make or have time to enjoy the things of life in these simple ways.
This dreamy, fanciful, romantic nature is what causes me to think more with my feelings as opposed to logically. In a sense, I’ve learned that I trust my intuition over plain old logic, which is probably a good explanation for my inclination to be impulsive.
My creative nature and rich imagination is why my thought processes don’t come to me in an organized, logical fashion, but rather through images and emotions. This causes me to be very impressionable and sensitive to others. I tend to process and react accordingly to the energy around me.
My high internal energy and analytical nature is why it’s a necessity for me to be in constant motion. Working out and writing are products of my extroverted nature, and managing what sometimes feels like chaos inside.
By nature I’m competitive with others but mostly with myself. I’m fiercely independent and have an inner pressure to be the best in everything I do. This causes me to be an enthusiastic leader but a reluctant follower. I enjoy taking risks, stepping up to the challenge, and going against the grain if need be.
I’m simple and direct, blunt and honest. Sometimes to a fault which causes me to come off as an abrasive coarse personality rooted in my independence and desire to be dominant. My warm and friendly, romantic nature helps to naturally encourage me in keeping my honesty sensitive to the feelings of those around me.
This is all so analytical and broken up; scattered.
Nothing eloquent or special, but just something I wanted to record and remember for later.
My challenge to you would be to take a step back, in these growing years, trying to see yourself from an objective point of view to understand who you are. Understanding who we are, our identity, how God made us is so important for understanding WHY we are, what we are intended for, and what we need to work on.
Understanding at least some of this makes me feel a little more put-together; understandable. It’s opening my eyes to the personalities of others too. Causing me to be appreciative of this Creative God who loves us and created us, so creatively. It’s amazing to think that we, made in His image, all possess certain characteristics of our Father, individually. And together that is what makes The Body such a beautiful thing. Such an important thing. But that, my friends, is a whole ‘notha ramble!
Much love to you as you discover who you are and who you were made to be.