I love having moments alone. As much as I love people and enjoy being surrounded by all the life and energy involved in connecting with good friends in good things, I love the introspective environment created in being alone.
My mind runs wild in an unorganized, energetic sort of way. I skip around inside my brain to places of anxiety and places of excitement; places I hope to be, things I need to do. Imagination runs wild these days, exaggerated in an idyllic fashion. The rhythm seems to quicken; inconsistent paces to places unanticipated.
“It wears me out, if I could be all that you wanted all the time…” – Radiohead
There is no mold. No explanation, rhyme or reason to the complexity. What words can describe? What woulds could really convey an attempt to understanding? It wears me out some days, but deep down I don’t seem to mind. In fact, I seem to be captivated by the mystery. With everything else seeming to need a conclusion, I’m content to have none in matters of the person created.
Still, I enjoy the journey. Analyzing. Dreaming. Learning. The whirlwind of inspiration that initiates this reflection gives birth to creation in matters of the heart; saturated in longing and admiration. Desire for an understanding, a knowledge, an intimate communication with the heart of our King. Maker. Creator.
The nearness, the distance, they all seem familiar. I’m well acquainted with both places. A stranger to balance, still, in spirited enthusiasm for the simplest of things. Comforted by the familiarity of the inconsistency and the surprises it brings, it seems.
Lately I’ve been experiencing these flashbacks. As if I’m remembering distant memories, I experience the emotions related to these events and have even unknowingly formed my own opinions about these circumstances. The terrifying thing is that these aren’t memories. They aren’t real events that took place at one point. They’re dreams.
What happens in the dreams isn’t frightening at all, in fact, it’s lovely, exciting, enjoyable. What’s frightening is the reality of these things. How real they feel now, even when they haven’t taken place, and how real the possibility is of these dreams becoming an undeniable fact of existence.
(For the record, some of you, my close friends, may think you know what dreams I’m talking about, but read this knowing that I’m not talking about an isolated instance, or subject for that matter.)
I wonder what the purpose of these dreams are. I’m testing the validity of them in prayer and wisdom, but the fact that these dreams are so connected to my present experiences and emotions causes me to question, giving an added weight to the seriousness and creditability.
This all leaves me anticipating. Risking proving myself an idealistic, unrealistic fool. Cautiously believing The Giver of hearts desire, The Revealer of unknown desires in visions.
“Catch the vision” they teach us. Live impassioned with purpose. Purposefully impassioned.
All of this dreaming lately has me thinking, picking apart the idea of life, journeys, visions, destiny.
Initially I was caught off guard with anxiety. The unknown. No game plan. No direction.
Years ago, I decided to love Jesus because somehow, someway, I came under this knowledge of truth: that His way is best for me. It was this verse that inspired me; a catalyst for the beginning of my new life. A part of me, I frequently see this truth themed, woven throughout the lessons. I visit it again today:
“But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and green and tomorrow is tossed into the furnace, will He not much more surely clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry and be anxious, saying, What are we going to have to eat? or, What are we going to have to drink? or, What are we going to have to wear? For the Gentiles (heathen) wish for and crave and diligently seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows well that you need them all. But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides. So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble.” – Matthew 6:30-34
Reading it today, I found it amazing that our God cares for the seemingly insignificant, purposeless things. The grass that serves a purpose today, yet no purpose tomorrow, is provided for. How ignorant and faithless we are to lose sight of this. How valuable we are in the eyes of our Maker, created with purpose and passion.
Looking back on my life after trying times, I’ve always found myself in awe of how faithful God is to rescue and provide in just the right way. I’m amazed by how the circumstances seem to be engineered perfectly for His glory and our growth; all for the best.
Today I thought that if I just knew the future I would be able to quiet the anxiety and doubts of the present.
I was reminded of the faithfulness I’ve seen. The rush of peace came when I understood that it is the simple truth and promise of His faithfulness in the future that will quiet the anxiety and doubts of the future. Not knowing the specific details is the encouragement to trust.
“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in You; whose thoughts are fixed on You.” – Isaiah 26:3
The vision is cast. The passion is evident. But so often we wonder how we go from “point A” to “point B”. How are we going to get from here to there?
Be encouraged! Most times its after we trust, in mid-step, that we’re given specific direction. Most times the specific direction goes unnoticed – it was our subtle guided movements that brought us from here to there.
I dream of point B.
I live in point A with my eyes fixed; Love my highest goal.
I still wonder. I still dream.
The light outside has faded by now. I’m left in a dark room with a cold americano and a full heart.
I can’t knock this feeling so in love.