I have this handmade cardboard journal with graph paper sewn in and a Polaroid photo of a typewriter on the cover. Each page has a different phrase that I’ve heard through the day that I would need to expand upon later in writing. This book gets scribbled in throughout the week, and on nights like last night, I spend hours locked away in my room piecing the week together.
It’s hard for me to keep up.
I have another book that I keep in hiding. The edges of the pages curl underneath the weight of the heavy ink and pressure written in the words. The thoughts, lessons, and dreams of the last several months somehow seem to be contained along a frayed spine. Vulnerability at its best, it is treasured in safekeeping, housing wisdom and unapologetic honesty.
I believe the Bible; I believe that what God says is true. But this week, while driving along winding roads through the country, I was challenged. Do I really believe that the Lord will give me the desires of my heart? I believe Him for the things that I keep at a distance, but for the things I hide in my heart, the things I keep in secret, I have such a hard time trusting. Even when everything around me is confirmed and fulfilled, I feel like my expectant heart is divided by doubt. Would I be surprised?
“the people refused to enter the pleasant land because they wouldn’t believe his promise to care for them” – psalm 106:24
The Israelites didn’t know that this is what they were doing, but they actually refused to enter the pleasant land. Wait. The very thing they were aching to walk into, the very thing they desired, they refused it? They didn’t know it, but their refusal to trust the Lord with their desires was what kept them from walking into the land; into the desires of their heart.
I think of what desires of my heart I am unknowingly refusing to walk into because I can’t trust the Lord; because I can’t trust my desires with the promise of His Word. His word that is true.
You know me. You know everything about me. You know when I move. You know my thoughts. You see me when I’m near and when I’m far away. You know everything I do. You know what I will say before I say it. You surround me; going before me and following me. You bless me, guide me, and provide for me. I’m never out of your sight. This is all too wonderful for me. This is too great for me to even understand. I can’t even begin to comprehend how well You know me; how well you understand my heart.
There is nothing I can hide from You. Beyond that, You understand me even when I don’t understand myself. You know what’s best for me. Of course you do! You are good to know what I need and give it to me. What You have for me is even better than what my heart can imagine or even begin to desire. Your thoughts are so much higher than mine. Your plans are so much bigger than what I can see; this is but a glimpse.
You will withhold nothing from me. Your glorious riches are unlimited in your goodness and love. Those who delight themselves in You will lack no good thing.
“those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing” – psalm 34:10
“until the time came to fulfill his dreams, the Lord tested Joseph’s character” – psalm 105:19
You satisfy the thirsty and fill the hungry with good things. We see in our history the faithful love of the Lord.
Then, knowing all of this, let my heart be confident in you, O God.
Let my heart believe the words You’ve spoken in the night.